Forgetting & Remembering

Dear reader,

Yesterday was day 2 of my cycle (inner winter) and I woke up craving the expansive sky, the water, and the leaves. My soul was sick of domesticity and the incompleteness of physical rest.

I sensed a need to be surrounded by something more reflective of my inner world - being indoors was starting to feel increasingly oppressive and within ten minutes I had thrown my hoodie on, filled my flask of tea and set off for the river.

Even though I get out in nature most days, I’ve felt distant from it for a while.

There is a distinct difference between going for a walk in nature and being with nature - purposefully using it as a space to commune with myself and something larger, which allows me to reach a new perspective or state of being.

As I sat on the ground I noticed things beneath the surface of the river and the tiny new leaves unfurling on the branches of the trees.

I felt a specific echo of my deep self that only seems to occur when I’m being with nature, it’s a felt sense rather than words, but if I could articulate it with words it would be: ‘I’m so glad you came back.’

This got me wondering - how many more times in life I will forget this magic, get lost in the ‘doing’ of life, and then eventually find my way back here again? Probably many many times. That process of forgetting and remembering is infuriating to me, but yesterday the sensation of remembering felt quietly profound, like a homecoming of sorts.

I can get caught up in the act of doing/planning/organising because the vulnerability of ‘being’ and sharing my creative work with the world can be feel pretty exposing. ‘Doing’ feels safer, it armours me and provides a cheap shot of ‘good enough’, but yesterday reminded me that being with nature was the very thing that set my latest creative project in motion. This is what it’s all about.

If I’m learning anything, it’s that putting creative projects out there is a very effective and precise way to reveal the parts of yourself that still need more love & acceptance. I suppose I’m just in the dance of forgetting and remembering to give that to myself, over & over.

Speak soon,

S x

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Things I’m offering:

• My zine, How to Recover from PMDD Holistically is available at the early bird price for a while longer. Check it out here.

Things I’ve enjoyed this past week:

• Morgana Clementine
  ’s article on her career path & work practises as a neurodivergent person. Validating, fascinating and practical - everything I’m after in a piece.

• Lying in Prince’s St Gardens with A, echoing the ‘ha-ha-ha’ call of the seagull in front of us. How fun to be in conversation with a bird.

• Reading Weird Walk Issue 1, which features historical places in Sussex (like Devil’s Dyke) that I used to explore while studying down there.

• Meg’s beautiful collage

  In Progress from Meg Fatharly
  - aren’t we all just trying to return to our core?

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