ADHD & Burnout: There is Stillness in Movement

Dear reader,

Attempting to recover from burnout whilst having ADHD is proving to be a wild ride - I’m completely exhausted and I’m also…not? There is energy surging through me, just not the kind of energy I need more of, or am expected to have in abundance.

I have tried to rest as I am ‘supposed’ to (laying on the sofa doing nothing), but it hurts and my literal mind goes into overdrive, tussling with the maddening experience of ADHD & burnout existing in the same body.

Resting and virtue have unhelpfully linked arms in my mind, creating a felt sense that there’s a correct way I should be doing it. I keep falling into the neurotypical trap of trying to rest without any stimulation, forgetting that ADHD is even a thing and getting caught up in my inability to simply be.

But here’s the thing that neurotypical advice on resting seems to miss, most of the time my way of relaxing and simply being is in movement - the free flow of creative ideas skipping through my mind, the familiar comfort of my hands baking bread, or the physicality of my body moving through trees and waves.

The fierce North Sea on 35mm film this winter

I’m starting to question the point of restraining my explorative nature when it is in fact my natural way of being. Why refrain from mental or physical movement in the name of rest when it is where I feel most relaxed?

It seems to me that the neurotypical picture of rest is not only counter productive for me, but actively distressing. Last week I found myself in tears, frustrated and confused by the overwhelming exhaustion of burnout crashing up against my instinctual drive to do something (also compounded by ovulation and the full moon).

I felt like a pot of water boiling on a hob, from the outside I was doing what I ‘should’ be doing - I appeared to be contained but inside I was bubbling over and in pain.

To answer my own question, I think we attempt to satiate the insatiable when the tank is empty in a multitude of ways.

1. Asking which part of the tank is empty

Recognising that there are many parts to our energy tank means that we can ask ourselves which part needs attention before taking appropriate action - is it the emotional part, the creative part, the social part, the physical part? How can we give ourselves a little more of what we need?

2. Giving ourselves permission to do more of what we want/need to do

I’m personally working on releasing the nonsensical and nasty belief that if I can’t do the thing I’m supposed to be doing, then I don’t deserve to do the thing I want/need to be doing.

I can’t even remember when it started, but I’ll often have a thought that I should be doing something and when I can’t do it (due to executive function, energy levels, under/over stimulation), I force myself to keep doing rather than allowing myself to stop and do something I need to do, that would actually be supportive.

Here’s some examples of this in action:

• I’m spending time with people and my social battery is suddenly empty. Instead of excusing myself to nap, walk or read, which would help me to recharge, I often force myself to stay in their company which only makes me more depleted.

• Telling myself I should be sat at my desk working from 9-5 (it’s taken years for me to learn that this is physically impossible). Instead of working with my brain by taking regular breaks to walk, eat and close my eyes, I would feel guilty for doing anything else during these hours, I would rush my breaks and run myself into the ground.

• I have a weekend away with my partner and my literal brain says ‘we’re on holiday together - that means we’re spending this whole time together’. Rather than carving out some time to unwind alone by reading, writing, and being creative, I make myself feel shit about having those desires in the first place and end up becoming dysregulated/irritable.

• I’m taking time away from work because I’m burnt out. I take this literally and try to disengage from everything by just laying down but quickly become so under-stimulated that I’m now in distress. Allowing myself to gently engage with my special interests/creative outputs would have prevented this and maybe even provided pockets of peace.

3. Centralising desire in our decision making

I’ve written about desire as an essential part of AuDHD people staying well before, and it stands true in the context of rest, too.

We’re not designed to engage with life in the way we’ve seen on screen and amongst our peers, our brains are interest-driven and we can’t expect that to magically change when we’re exhausted.

However, there’s a level of discernment that’s required when negotiating burnout, ADHD (and Autism), that is the wisdom to take our impulses seriously, not literally.

I really want to host a creative retreat and climb a mountain with my partner but burnout means I have nowhere near enough energy for those things. This is really hard and upsetting to accept, but I still take my drive to do something seriously.

I do this by looking for smaller, more manageable ways to let my desires know that I am listening - I follow the creative idea that pops into my head and write like no tomorrow, I go on a slow nature walk with my partner and look out for things I haven’t spotted so far this year (I saw a humming bird down the paths in Edinburgh just the other day), and when I don’t have the energy to walk but feel the desire to move, I shake my body for a minute or two (thanks,

Emma Murphy

!)

4. When desire gets lost in the fog, collect positive moments

Something that’s really been bugging me is how burnout seems to dull all of my emotions except anxiety, I can’t access joy in the same way and to make things worse I keep expecting the fog to magically lift and feel a dramatic blast of happiness.

To deal with this, I’ve started deliberately noticing positive things throughout my day, collecting them like shells. At the end of each day I light a candle and make a list of each moment I feel grateful to have had that day, emptying my pockets and looking at all the tiny treasures.

I list things like:

• My morning cup of tea in the March sunshine

• Cool things I find to photograph while I’m out walking

• The ideas flowing out of me and onto the pages of my zine about healing PMDD

• The steadfast care & support A shows me

• Beautiful voice notes I’m sharing with my treasured friend of 12 years

• The kindness I’m showing myself on difficult days

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I wanted to write about all of this because I can’t be the only person who feels like they’re doing rest all ‘wrong’, I can’t be the only one who is in tears from the mental anguish of such polarising experiences taking place in one body. These 4 ideas are supporting me to get by in a difficult time and I’m sharing them here with you in the hopes that they might help you in some way, too.

If you’re also experiencing the wild combination of ADHD and burnout, how would you describe it and what are you doing to support yourself from day to day? I’d love to hear.

Speak soon,

S x